Sunday, November 29, 2020

Relative importance: Not everything is worth writing about

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Macalope

The Macalope must now doff his cap to that evil genius Chris Matyszczyk at CNet who figured out how to have his cake and eat it, too.

(This is, of course, a joke. With a rack like this, the Macalope can’t wear hats. Also, if he ever ends up writing more than 500 words about a retweet, put him out to pasture.)

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(Which is another joke because being put out to pasture actually sounds awesome.)

See, Matyszczyk’s Technically Incorrect looks at stories such as “Man climbs into toilet to retrieve phone, gets completely stuck.” That’s a real article on Technically Incorrect. See, if you note that your column is “irreverent”, you can address all kinds of stuff of varying degrees of importance. Like this piece: “Is Samsung far ahead of Apple? Marc Benioff appears to think so.”

Oh, well, if Marc Benioff thinks so…

(Who’s Marc Benioff?)

…Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff…

Oh, that Marc Benioff. Well, then, surely Apple is behind because… uh, he retweeted the thing. The view his company won’t even confirm he endorses.

Some days the Macalope really thinks he needs some kind of career counseling because this is not something a grown mythical beast should be spending his time on.

…Benioff retweet[ed] this: “Crazy seeing Apple trying to catch Samsung. Battery life, waterproofing, blue color, front led light, &curved screens. Samsung set the standard.”

Hey, whoever originally tweeted this who was not Benioff, having something first doesn’t necessarily mean you “set the standard.” Microsoft technically sold smartphones and tablets for years before Apple did, but the iPhone and iPad defined the real market.

But again, this is a column that sometimes deliberately covers things that aren’t important. Should the Macalope even be responding to arguments made in these pieces? If the material is not important, why are we even reading it? Why was it even written up? It’s all very confusing.

The original tweet was emitted by basketball coach Dennis Marshall.

Ah, yes. Who else should we look to for cogent analysis of tech than our esteemed motivators of people who put balls through hoops?

A Salesforce spokesman confirmed that Benioff himself performed the retweet…

You… you contacted Salesforce (and Apple, it turns out) about a retweet. Wow. OK. The Macalope supposes that’s an admirable level of fact checking. He guesses. He doesn’t even really know what’s going on anymore.

“We recognize that Benioff’s retweet is not a big deal, but we’re going to fact check it as if it is anyway.”

Your sketch comedy group is awkward and lacks direction.

…but couldn’t say whether it reflected the CEO’s precise views.

Couldn’t or wouldn’t? HOW FAR DOES THIS CONSPIRACY GO?

As rumors have suggested that the next iPhone might look disappointingly like the last one…

Current Generation: I’m so disappointed. This year’s smartphone is going to look like last year’s.

Our Ancestors: AAAAH ALL MY FAMILY MEMBERS DIED IN THE GREAT MORTALITY AND NOW I’M EATING BARK BECAUSE THE CROP GOT INFESTED WITH MAGGOTS.

My colleague Jessica Dolcourt, for example, described the latter as “the sexiest large-screen phone ever” in her review.

Somehow, the word “sexy” hasn’t been used about Apple for a little while.




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